Jersey Destruction: Part 1

Welcome to the Dead-Zone. No, not the Stephen King book. No, not the movie based on the Stephen King book. No, not the Verizon commercials that parody the movie based on the Stephen King book. I'm talking about the middle of the summer where we are past the excitement of the draft and free-agent frenzy and far from the start of training camp. So, what I've decided to do is mercilessly skewer the jersey and logo decisions of all 30 NHL teams!

Let me start this off with a disclaimer. I actually like the mass majority of these logos and jerseys, but much of it is in a sentimental capacity. It's kind of like how you like the ratty, old couch you have but it's just too comfortable to get rid of. And yes, yes I know that many of these designs date back to the leagues inception and have a strong historical background. That said, let me tell you why they're awful.

We'll start with my hometown team's division; the Southeast.

Atlanta Thrashers

Don't let the name fool you, folks. A Thrasher isn't a rockabilly punk wielding a tire iron, ready to beat you senseless. A Thrasher is a tiny brown bird that tosses pine needles around. Doesn't that just strike fear into your heart? Atlanta also made the bold decision to spurn tradition and pick around 748 colors instead of just 3. Let's see, we've got light blue, dark blue, magenta, orange, yellow, white, and I still feel like I'm forgetting some. To top it all off, they decided to display the city's name down one of the sleeves, because when you're in Atlanta you're usually doing your best to forget where you are.

Carolina Hurricanes

The 'Canes are my favorite team. I grew up with them, but in the sake of fairness they shall not escape the scorn. If you didn't know the team's name, your first instinct might be, "the Carolina Flushing Toilets?" Nope, that's a hurricane. The 'Canes had the benefit of being a latecomer to the party so they could see what the other teams chose for colors and pick something different. They went with red as their primary color, which only a third of the league has. To finish it off, the Hurricanes decided to border the bottom of their jerseys with the Hurricane Warning flag design, which looks a bit like a bento box collection. They should serve sushi at the concession stands.

Oh, and their mascot is a hog. Why, you ask? Because of Southern BBQ, duh! "Aw, look at the adorable mascot! Let's cover his body in sauce and slow smoke him."

Florida Panthers

I'll start with a pat on the back of the Panthers branding team for doing away with the panther holding the destroyed remains of a hockey stick, but more on that when I get to San Jose. What Florida should really do is consider giving out 3-D glasses so it looks like the panther is leaping out of their players' chests. Then maybe the jersey itself wouldn't look so much like safety vest. What really throws me is the cat's whiskers and tail. They just make me want to pet the thing, not run in fear of a savage mauling. He's not diving to attack. He's pouncing ever so gracefully for a ball of yarn!

Tampa Bay Lightning

A scrawling blaze of wild electricity! What could be more exciting? Well, apparently Tampa thought a jagged forward-slash was. Oh, and could someone explain to me what the giant, needless circle behind the bolt is? Did they feel like they needed more geometry on their sweaters? Or maybe people would be confused what the logo was without a background? No, we got it. The Tampa Bay Zig-Zags, right? It looks like Flash's logo caught a cold.

Washington Capitals

Another pat on the back goes to Washington for ditching their old logo which prominently displayed the Capitol Building. I mean, nothing says hockey like a big government building, right? Except on their new logo, I can't help but find it ironic that their team's name, the Capitals, is in all lowercase letters. Hmm. Kudos for making the "L" look like a hockey stick as well. It should come in handy if your fans forget what sport you're playing. I can't forget to mention the secondary logo. As clever as it was to make an eagle look like the letter "W", it just looks like some kind of post-op bird that had his legs removed. He's got those wings, but the landing is going to be a little rough.

Next post: Central Divison.